An Unburdening

January 18, 2015

I didn’t want to tell you

I didn’t want to burden you

And thought that I should be strong enough

But I’m not

Because this is too much to carry

By myself.

And so I’m going to tell you

how hard it is

To lie down next to my mother

To know her pain

To hear her try to speak and not be understood

To not know if she will hear my words.

And so we look into each other’s eyes

And my eyes say I love you I love you I love you

And I imagine her eyes saying those words back to me

But what I really hear is Help me. Save me. I am suffering.

And I am helpless

And she is helpless

And I search for something to soothe her.

I cover her with kisses

And tickle her arms knowing that my tickles will never be

as good as my mother’s

Because my mother is the best tickler in the world.

I put on music

Opera which my parents tortured me with as a child

And I beg please Pavarotti sing my mother to sleep

And finally my mother sleeps

And I snuggle up next to her with the rails of her bed digging into my back

I feel so small squeezed into this little space beside her

And I cry and cry

Not wanting my mother to go

but so desperately wanting her to be free

To be free from pain in her body and her mind and her heart

Free from

this life that is not a life

 

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