Oops, I Did It Again

February 23, 2013


Let me just start by saying that on Valentine’s Day, divorce court should be closed. It is a kick in the pants, a slap in the face, crappy icing on a crap cake, to have to go to divorce court on Valentine’s Day. But I did. Let’s remind everyone that I am actually divorced, and no, divorce court is not really called divorce court, but “matrimonial part” for all parts related to your dead marriage. I’m sounding bitter. I apologize. I went to divorce court on Valentine’s Day in my never-ending quest for justice. Hah!! Ooh, sorry, sounding bitter again. This is so unlike me. I am not a bitter person. Really, I’m not. I’m tired and I should be writing my paper right now, but let me just get this off my chest.

I WENT TO DIVORCE COURT ON VALENTINE’S DAY AND THAT SUCKS. OK, I feel a little bitter now, I mean better. I wanted to give the judge a Valentine’s Day card that said, “Be Mine.”  I wanted to give him one of the chocolate heart lollipops that I had made for my clients.  I wanted him to look down at me from his holy bench and see that I was just a nice chocolate lollipop-making mom who needed protection and justice, and he, when he was finished with his lollipop, was just the man to deliver it.  No lollipop for the judge, because someone would have objected.  “Someone” meaning my ex-husband’s dorky lawyer. That’s mean. He’s the kind of kid who would have been picked on in middle school. Now I sound like a bully. This is called displacement. All of my anger at my ex-husband is being directed at his lawyer. I’m going to stop now.

As you know, nothing ever really happens in divorce court except that I get another court date and my lawyer is able to add an extra night to his vacation and his wife gets an extra spa treatment, courtesy of me. To be fair, I owe my lawyer a whole load of money. He had told me that since my ex was non-compliant with the court order for support, the judge would order him to pay my attorney fees. BUT THAT HASN’T HAPPENED YET. And it’s been going on since last August.

As I was saying, nothing ever happens in divorce court except that now ex-man is trying to fight the horse trust fund payments, for no reason other than to mess with me and the kids and to distract everyone from his unwillingness to pay child support. He is still so angry about the arbitration decision. He was thinking that if he wasn’t going to get to keep us, then he’d be damned if we got to keep the horses. Yeah, so damn him. Last month, ex-man made a big noisy fuss and escrow agent said he could not cut a check, so now the court needs to get involved. So dumb. So pointless. So I did it again. I tried to talk to ex-man. After we walked out of the courtroom, I approached him and asked him why he was doing this. Asked him if he had any questions about the way the money was being spent, because I’m an open book. He said, “Are you going to start yelling again?” Remember my little moment of crazy? Apparently he does, remarkable given how much he drinks. So I said, “No, I’m not, but since you haven’t seen our daughter in a year and a half, that would be reason enough to yell.”  And that was that. Happy Valentine’s Day.


8 Responses to “Oops, I Did It Again”

  1. QuietHome said

    I just stumbled across your blog and have read several entries. I am impressed with your ability to keep plugging away at this for your daughters’ sake while retaining your wonderful sense of humor. The reason I am writing is also for your daughters’ sake. Although I’m now in my 50’s, I was that girl whose father walked away from her. No child support, no contact, no presence. It was really hard growing up knowing that my father thought of me as something disposable. To make matters worse, he moved to another country, remarried and had two sons – to whom, from afar, he seemed devoted. I started believing that part of the reason I had no value to him was because I was a girl. Needless to say, my adolescence was pretty painful.

    Then in my late teens something in my brain just snapped. It’s amazing how quickly it came into focus for me. I suddenly realized that I hadn’t missed out on much of a father, but he had cheated himself out of a wonderful daughter. Because I WAS a wonderful daughter – funny, kind, considerate and interested in many things. That’s when things really started to get better for me. All of the anger, pain and resentment were replaced with sympathy and sadness for an aging man who could have had a strong, loving daughter in his life. He really missed out. The irony is that he finally discovered that less than a year before he died.

    We reconnected because of the tragic death of my younger half-brother. Because I had figured all of this out years ago, I was able to be kind, forgiving and supportive to him. He died of a heart attack less than a year later. Other relatives have told me that he had a corner in his living room where he kept all the letters, pictures and gifts I had sent him. I know that he really regretted all those years he lost of not having me in his life. Luckily, I was able to give him kindness in the last months of his life. That is something I am really grateful for and it has given me a lot of peace.

    I hope that your daughters know that their father’s lack of involvement with them has nothing to do with them and that they can come to understand that the person who is losing the most is the man who is denying himself the most valuable relationships in his life.

    • Thank you so much for your words of support, especially for my children. I also have a wonderful son who, being the youngest, experienced even less of his dad as an okay guy than the girls did. Yes, their dad is missing out on our beautiful, kind, loving children. I’ve tried to tell him that but it falls on deaf ears. Maybe one day he will wake up.

      • QuietHome said

        He may wake up but it could be many, many years. My hope for your children is that they understand that his problems are his and has nothing to do with them. All of my anger and resentment toward my father when I was younger didn’t hurt him a bit but it was very damaging to me. Turning it around made my spirit a lot lighter and my life a lot happier. And, in the end, it benefitted both my father and me. I have a lot of optimism for your children, because they have a very good role model in you.

  2. Annie said

    Wonderful comment — important words, put so nicely; glad you had a lightbulb moment, however it came about, you are an example of resilience and kindness.

    • QuietHome said

      Thank you, Annie. It has been a lot easier feeling sympathy and forgiveness than dragging around a ball and chain of anger and resentment. But I was a horrible teenager — sullen, withdrawn and bitter. Phew! I’m so thankful I had that lightbulb moment!

  3. Annie said

    That response was to the comment that was made; not sure I did that right…..

  4. StrongerMe said

    I love, love, love your writing. You are honest and witty. He can’t take that from you. (Although I would love to pound my ex with a witty stick or something useful like that.)
    I’m headed to court March 25th. I’m dreading it, but thanks to reading this, I am feeling SO thankful that it wasn’t on Valentine’s Day. Talk about the antithesis of love.
    Of course, I dislike Valentine’s Day, since divorce actually already crapped on it, so why shouldn’t the day be spent in court. At least there you aren’t staring at loving couples with candy and flowers (like on FB).
    Thinking of you and hoping that the Judge will see the truth soon. Very, very soon.

    • Thanks! I love reading your posts, too! You were my inspiration to even start writing again. I’m less worried about who reads it now. I’ve even published on Huff Post a few times, under my pseudonym. I hope things go well for you in court, and that your issues get resolved and not just postponed to another date!

Comments are closed.

Rubani Safar

The Souls Journey Within - Reclaiming Your Path


Exploring the west, one weekend at a time.

Dr. Jen Gunter

Wielding the lasso of truth

The Backpacking Shrink

Sell your cleverness, and buy bewilderment - Rumi


To Catch A Falling Cactus

Long Haul Trekkers

Adventure with Dogs

Sheri Silver

living a well-tended life... at any age


Monthly Tips for EFT Couples Therapists

Bonnie Rae

simple days with bonnie rae.

Ferocious Foodie

One man's brutally honest opinion about all things edible.


Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!

Empty House, Full Mind

Views of life from the empty nest

World Cup 2014

welcome! Please contribute your opinions about world cup

The New Elizabeth

Reinventing Myself

PeanutBubba & Fluff

The "just for your entertainment" tales of mommyhood

Lessons Learned

Life has taught me well

%d bloggers like this: